Saturday, August 20, 2011


BY CROM I have never laughed so hard at seeing slaughter on the screen. Just to let you know that is not a good thing. Right off from the opening moments of Conan: The Barbarian, I was laughing. Maybe part of the reason is that we have the beloved narrator Morgan Freeman doing a voice over to explain the beginnings of the story. To me this was a missed opportunity. I thought they should have went with James Earl Jones for the voice over, tipping their hat to the original Conan, since Jones actually was in the original. From there on in the movie is hogwash.

Ron Pearlman plays the father of Conan, and in a Lionking-esque way raises his baby son above his head and screams. I was actually waiting for the Circle of Life to start pumping through the cinema when this occurred. What we have here is not necessarily a remake, but a reworking of the Conan story. Yes he is born of battle, yes his father dies and he goes after the man who murdered his father, but it is different than the first.

Marcus Nispel, director of the remake of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Friday the 13th, which were decent remakes, helms the director's chair one more time and takes on Conan. This time it is a total failure. He gives us a very unevenly paced film, which in turn can get a little confusing at times to actually follow what is going on. No matter where the story takes us, Conan is always there. I don't think this guy sleeps. I do though must commend him on the battle sequences. There are some very well crafted and elaborate sequences that really shine but that is about it. This was a film that makes you want to say, do not let this director behind a camera again. But Nispel is not all to blame. Most of this falls on the hands of the writers. Thomas Dean Donnelly, Joshua Oppenheimer. They have crafted one of the worst written movies I have seen in all time. There also comes worst news with this. They are the writers for Uncharted: Drake's Fortune movie as well as the Doctor Strange movie in the works.

Jason Momoa I thought played a decent Conan. Near the end of the movie he really started to look and feel like the titular character but alas looks alone do not save a movie. I felt bad for Momoa in a way since he had to spew that horrible drivel these men call dialogue. Rose McGowan is the evil Marique. Props do go for the costume design and look of her character, but again another poorly written character. Stephen Lang, most should notice from Avatar plays the man who Conan is after. I found that his acting in this movie is so over the top at times that you could do nothing else by laugh. If I have to hear him yell 'Barbarian!' one more time my head is going to burst. Nothing spectacular about the acting. Momoa hit most of the right notes for the feel of Conan, the characters just needed to be fleshed out and written better.

The editing is lightning fast and at points so fast that in battles it can be hard to see what feel what is going on. They should have slowed things down a bit to make the movie a nit more dramatic. I think giving Conan a little dramatic feel would have helped a little in the long run. There will probably be a second one, for that sake I hipe the get new writers and a new director, if they stick with the same crew they will bury this franchise. Over all I say avoid this movie at all costs. If you must see it in the theatre, do not go to the overpriced 3D version and just see the regular version and see it on a matinee day, DO NOT pay full price for this utter crapfest these people call film.

I give this movie 1 star. It does deserve that for costume design, set design and some nice battle sequences.

No comments:

Post a Comment